Four years, zero opening-week wins, one running gag — retired on the spot by a 152.46. Also on the docket: a 183-point statement, a points queen who benched 56 points, and a desk that went 2–3 on its own picks and would like to explain.
Before the games, an accounting. Last week this desk set five lines in public and promised to defend them until the scores made that impossible. The scores made that impossible by roughly 4:25 p.m. Sunday. The desk went 2–3: right on ITouchd0wnThere, right on its own franchise, and wrong on alyssagenther, BrennaLynne, and jgirsby, the three teams we picked "by the tape." The tape has been placed on administrative leave.
The week's top score, the week's biggest margin (87.7), and the fifth consecutive September win for a franchise that now stands 5–0 in openers. Caleb Williams put up 41.26, Justin Jefferson 31.2, David Montgomery 28.9, Chris Olave 28.2, Trey McBride 24.5 — five starters over 24 points, which is not a lineup so much as a weather event. Undefeated Septembers. The desk will check back in January, as is tradition.
mmcatee01 scored 95.76 with Patrick Mahomes on the bench at 25.66 and Joe Burrow in the lineup at 16.16. The desk described that bench last week as "either depth or a hostage situation" and can now confirm it was the second one. The one act of faith, the round-nine kicker, delivered exactly 1.0 point. The belief system requires faith precisely because of weeks like this.
D1LLIGAF is 1–4 in openers, which is a losing record and a franchise milestone at the same time. Derrick Henry 35.3, Kenneth Walker 34.1, the Steelers defense 20.0, and a 50.8-point margin over last year's 11–3 team. The analytics department has requested a plaque.
The department would prefer nobody look at the receivers. Ja'Marr Chase, the third overall pick, scored 3.2. Terry McLaurin scored 3.4. The two of them combined for 6.6 points and one win, because the running backs refused to let it matter. Also on the record: the owner picked up Michael Mayer on Sunday as a backup tight end, then started the backup over Dalton Kincaid on what he has described to this desk as "a gut feeling." Kincaid scored 18.0 from the bench. Mayer scored 9.2. The analytics department did not sign off on the gut. The analytics department was not consulted about the gut.
sammyyy29's 101.66 came with Isaiah Likely posting 27.8 on the bench while Jake Ferguson started at tight end for 2.6, and Deebo Samuel's 18.0 sat next to him. That is 43 points of bench that would have turned a rout into a game. Montorie Foster, pick 14, remained on the bench and scored 0.0.
The desk picked BrennaLynne "by the tape" and specifically noted she has lost three of four openers. Make it four of five. Dawnieo — 3–11 last year, 1,414 points, "a rebuilding year for the rebuilding year" — hung 146.2 and won by 52.58. Trevor Lawrence, the insurance policy drafted forty picks after Drake Maye, was promoted to starter before kickoff and scored 34.1 to Maye's 11.82. Jahmyr Gibbs added 33.6. Early quarterbacks, both of them, and the desk is being made to eat every word about the pattern.
The grief paragraph, and it is a substantial one. BrennaLynne scored the week's lowest total, 93.62, with Jaxson Dart (32.6) and Chuba Hubbard (23.7) on her bench — 56.3 points, or the entire margin of defeat plus change. In their places: Colston Loveland, 0.0, and the Texans defense, negative one. A defense that scored below zero. The points queen led the league in scoring last year and won nothing; this week she inverted the formula and found out it works in that direction too.
The reigning champion lost to the 2022 champion and the desk's first line of the season went down with her. Josh Allen 39.66, Christian Watson 32.7, Javonte Williams 24.2 — the thermostat clicked to "hot" and jsdivine opened 1–0 with the league's fifth-best score. Nobody tell the thermostat there is no middle setting.
alyssagenther's 124.6 was respectable and not enough: Amon-Ra St. Brown 28.7 and Nico Collins 21.2 did their jobs, but Christian McCaffrey scored 13.8 and the two "first-round-caliber stars the other side cannot match" combined to be matched. Her defense of the title is 0–1. For the record, she also lost her opener last year, by 44, and went on to win the whole thing. The desk is not saying it is a system. The desk is noting the sample.
The week's closest game at 8.84, and the second straight meeting divinethought has taken from a manager who still leads the series 5–2 and used to lead it 5–0. Ashton Jeanty, questionable all week, scored 32.7. Bijan Robinson scored 31.3. Jared Goff, the round-thirteen quarterback the desk still is not sure was drafted on purpose, added a perfectly professional 20.44. The running-back fortress held; the drawbridge turned out to be a feature.
jgirsby lost by 8.84 with Matthew Stafford starting for 4.1 and Brock Purdy scoring 27.1 on the bench. Dallas Goedert scored 23.7 on the bench behind a Juwan Johnson pickup who was fine at 14.4, the pickup itself forced by Brock Bowers sitting out injured. Either swap wins the game. Both swaps were available. The desk picked this team by the tape, and the tape did not mention the depth chart.
Two moves all week, both free-agent pickups, both at tight end, both for $0 of a $100 FAAB budget nobody has touched. jgirsby added Juwan Johnson, who scored 14.4 in a game jgirsby lost while Goedert scored 23.7 on the bench — the rare pickup that worked and did not help. D1LLIGAF added Michael Mayer and dropped KC Concepcion, the twelfth-round rookie flyer, who lasted seven days on the roster and never started. The desk's own franchise then started the pickup over the drafted starter and lost 8.8 points on the swap. The analytics department has filed the paperwork to be renamed.
Trades: none. It is Week 1. The desk expected nothing and was fully satisfied.
jsdivine (1-0) vs sammyyy29 (0-1) — the hot thermostat meets a team that left 43 points on the bench. Somebody is starting Isaiah Likely this time.
alyssagenther (0-1) vs BrennaLynne (0-1) — the champion and the points queen, both 0–1, both picked by this desk last week. One of them gets to be right about us.
D1LLIGAF (1-0) vs mmcatee01 (0-1) — the desk's own franchise, having won a September, now attempts a second consecutive win, an event the desk will announce with sirens. Aubrey kicks for the belief system.
divinethought (1-0) vs Dawnieo (1-0) — the only 1–0 matchup on the card. The desk picked against both of these teams last week and is staying out of it.
ITouchd0wnThere (1-0) vs jgirsby (0-1) — 183 points against the best 0–1 team in the league. If jgirsby starts Purdy, this is the game of the week. If jgirsby starts Stafford, it is a rerun.